Hello June!! :)

hye ms blog! its been a whileeeee since i left you. hehe. well, i guess it has been 6 months+ saya tak update blog ni. sorry, sebab time tu saya tengah happy menghabiskan masa bersama-sama seorang manusia bernama (hell im not going to mention his name) sampai tak ada masa nak update awak. but yeah i was verrrryyy happy at that moment of time, yet and until it stopped around the end of april because apparently he has another girl. well, this is according to his FRIEND pun, not from his own mouth and up until now, i dont hear a single word from him. he dont bother to explain what really happened, what went wrong. if i ever did wrong, i just want him to tell me, i want to know.

he left. and he left just like that.

i've been through hell for about a month. macam ORANG BODOH pun ada. tak makan, bukan tak nak makan, TAK BOLEH makan. what more? i quit my job. yup. i quit my job. cry??? jangan cakap la kan. macam orang GILA menangis. name one time i DID NOT cry? NONE. i cried on the day i was called to the Bar. i was supposed to be the happiest person on that day, i got admitted as advocate and solicitor kot! it has been my cita2 dari kecik okay ;( apa lagi? hmm, drive menangis, masuk toilet nangis, nak tidur nangis, bangun tidur nangis, i felt like i was a piece of shit at that time. I could barely open my eyes pun. the worst part is, i cannot cry at home. my mom cannot see me crying. tak boleh! so where do i go? i was lost. totally lost. i went to every one's place just to get away, to have someone accompanying me. i have a bag full of clothes, stuffs in my car just in case i decided to crash at their place. my car was my moving home. i had everything at the back seat of my car sampai org nak duduk pun tak ada tempat. i spent a lot. i had chocolates everyday. i'll make sure i have a bar of snickers in my handbag. sampai ada this one day, it melted in my handbag and i dont fucking care to wash it. i have never use my credit card, but when this happened, i spent 1k in 2 weeks time. only god knows i spent on what. saya dah tak ingat. i took more than a month to pull myself together. i cried when me and my friends were having dinner @ The curve. saya takut, saya takut saya nampak dia dengan orang lain. saya tak kuat lagi. and ya, the memories we had toegether rushed thru my head everytime i went to the places that we've been. sedih. sampai sekarang, i couldn not step my foot at Pvl. i used jalan kuching from gombak to damansara when actually i can just use mrr2, but i cant. i'll pass by his house if i were to use mrr2. and that, my friend, is not a good idea. thats how this person had affected my life.

ok, i'll update more later k. everyone in the office dah siap2 nak balik. im not going to stay alone here. huh, mmg tak la kan. see ya later aligator :)

i loike :)

♥ my favourite ♥

February.

lets update. whats happening lately ya. hmm....

1. pindah barangs.

we are renting out the sri andalas' house. since the house is like penuh nak mampus dgn furnitures, we have to take out the furnitures and put them at my other house in klang. my mom and tok even sold some of the furnitures. ala-ala garage sale. hehe. the most wanted stuff was my mickey mouse cupboard!!! haha. 4 ppl were interested on that. my mom said, sape sanggup bayar byk, dia dapat. gila macam lelongan awam. huhu. and its my super lama, mcam nak roboh punya cupboard yang org nak? hmm, weird :p. aunty raja bought our dining table. owh, i love her, shes always been nice to our family. alan and rahma took the dining table and brought it back to kak syanie's house in B.A. erm, what else, i gave out my clothes to my neighbours. and they were super happy to received that. sangat gembira when i see their happy faces ;) my tok puan sold her Pyrex pinggan mangkuk, and she got 400 bucks for that! she said it was more expensive when she bought them yearssss back. now, whos the big spender here? haha. no wonder my arwah tok was very particular on money and expenses. owh, talking about my arwah tok, as i was cleaning up the cupboard and checking all the documents in it, i found a stack of files which i believe belongs to my arwah tok. he keeps all the receipts, documents, letters tentatively. basically i got to know the exact date he bought ALL the things in the house. he is a VERY well managed man. not to mention his medical bills, and all the reports when he was in SJMC. i saw the last medical report few days before he passed away. and i couldnt help it but to nangis :( i continue to korek-korek all the stuff in the cupboard, i saw his watch and that people, is like a knife stabbed right thought my heart. i miss him. very much.

2. my new baby.

lets not talk much about this, all i know its on the way to meeeee now. hehe. in 3 weeks time maybe ;)

3. works.

i think february is the most tiring month but i like it. hehe. the challenge is more and i think ive been attending courts almost everyday. our office boy lari, ya, as in lari with the documents and money. haish, at least letak la documents tu sorok2 kat pintu office ke malam-malam pastu lariiii laaaa. ni documents pun bawak skali, its menyusahkan tau. kesian to the staffs. so basically ada la few days i had to be despatch, hantar documents, filing, pergi post office. haha. gila cool ok!! sebab at first i was like "gila ni, boleh ke settle all these within office hours? to rush to few places with CAR, (motorbike bleh cilok-cilok. takyah queue in jam. hehe) and to be able to arrive safely?" hahaha. but i made it!!! the feel was like macam menang explorace! ;)

4. aunty nai!!

kherq is pregnant!! hehe. 4 weeks. i am very happy for them. sangat happy ;) i got the know the news when i was driving back home from fiza's. and masa she told me about the news, i was like "sape pregnant?" and kherq jawab "aku la gila". hahaha. i was screaming like hell, org keter sebelah mesti igt im a crazy woman talking to herself sambil jerit-jerit. over excitement i guess. hehe.

5. confession.

i confessed just now. i told him what i really feel, dah penat nak berkias-kias or giving hints. and we discussed in a good way. no jerit-jerit. no nangis-nangis. (ok, tipu. haha, ada la nangis sikit) i feel relieved!!!! now can sleep peacefully ;) but we still dont have the conclusion. oh my, we are complicated. haha.

6. ethics exam

im going to retake my ethics exam again! haha. but its ok, i have mack and nad with me. yeay!! not that im happy that we failed last time but the fact that the course and exam will take place on wed and thurs. so, basically we are going to 'bak chur' (mack's ayat) masa the course. haha. and then, friday is a holiday baby!! basically dua hari je kerjaaaaa!. hehe. and im going to ganti my legal aid this monday, so selasa je la kerja. hahaha. gilaaaa la ;p but on the other part, cuak gak in case i fail again. haih. im going to finish my chambering period by the end of march, so if tak lepas lagi, its going to be trouble then. but im considering of extending my chambering period while getting a new job. if im able to get a new job by may, and i'll be finishing chambering on march. april nak buat apa? duk rumah? sounds GOOODDD. but i need money. takde duit la if duduk rumah kan. so i might be working on april just to have extra cash in hand. hehe. i need to pay for my car anyway, takkan nak mintak family. erghh. so thats that ;)

blessed.

.qhairawani ♥ edzuan.

it was a moment full of ♥s. enuf said.

p/s : i know this is like soooo last year. tak sempat nak upload ;)

temporary.

Its funny when at one time ur blog is full with all the good happy things, well you know, graduating, started chambering, raya, etc but at one point it turned another way around. totally wretched. and now, its full of desolation, unhealthy life, tears, breaking down, depression, bla bla bla. happiness just cant stay long with me ke? i was really2 happy for the past 4 months. but now, its all gone :( Giving false hope and promises which you cant fulfilled are not cool baby. not cool at all.

I know i maybe at fault sometimes. but dont hentam all on me. there's wrong on your part as well. i tried to give my super best. but it still didnt work out. well, this is actually the moment i fear the most. to lose and to let go. maybe after this i would not get myself into this kind of thing anymore. serik sangat dah. i really thought that i can rely myself on you but im wrong. well, u were, 4 months ago. you impressed me. u've proven that you're different. but now, jauhhhhhh sangat dah. its amazing how ppl can changed in a very short term. (and how am i supposed to believe in marriage now? does my marriage is going to last for 3 months only?) some people said, i expect too much. yes, i am, my history would be the reason for what i am now. but sometimes i dont think i anticipate too much. just show that you care. thats it. i guess its over now. i did not chose this. he did. 'tak serasi'. tuhan je tahu how hancur my heart was that moment.

Maybe time will decice. i have never hate him. i have never mad at him. to be frank, my heart is still with him up until now. but i need to step back and learn this the hard way.

Some said :

"Let him go, if he returns, he's yours. If not, hes not even yours to begin with"

P/s : deep within, please return :(

Radzin's Call to the Bar.

The third among us who had been Called to the Bar.

Congrats Ajeen.

To my dearest Syifa, all i can say, you're an awesome girlfriend!! :)

shits.

i said sorry. maybe i said something i shouldnt have said but it was a slip of tongue. i didnt mean it. i dont need silent treatment please. its effing bothering me in and out. if it was my bad, say it. SAY IT. please dont do this. i feel like shit.

i cant sleep.
i eat chocolates just to keep myself happy.
i bought 3 shawls in which i dont really need them.
i keep my eyes open when i shop just incase u're in the same mall with me (crossing my fingers not to see something which i dont really want to see)
i keep comforting myself when i drive, saying that everything will be ok.
i keep on looking at my phone hoping that i'll get a text or call from you. which until now, NIL.
i restraint myself from crying bacause im sicked of it.
i pretend to be ok infront of my friends because i dont want them to worry anymore.
I DONT LIKE THIS FEELING. AT ALL. IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY. FUCK.

nothing much that i can say now.

saya miss dia.

like sangat-sangat ;(

...you hold me without touch

you keep me without chains...

...i never wanted anything soo much

too drown in your love and not feel your rain..

-gravity, sara bareilles-

p/s : if only he realised this.

farewell two zero zero nine.

Happy New Year!!!

Goodbye 2009, hello 2010. I was with syifa on the new year's eve. We were in curve and yeah only 2 of us. Pecah rekod babe!! Celebrate new year 2 org je. Haha. I think last year was better compared to 2009's celebration, well maybe because of the crowd kot. But one thing for sure, during the fireworks, i felt something really deep, something that cannot be described. I felt happy but a bit gloomy at the same time. As i was watching the beautiful bunga apisss and mercunsss, a vision came into my head. All of the 2009's memories. The sweets and the bitters. But i can say the sweet memories prevail. My Convocation, Qherq & Wan's wedding, my amazing raya with families, my memorable birthday celebration, my first paycheck, what more? owh, i started my chambering period last year (6 months passed, 3 more months to go. Woohoo!!) And the last but not least, i met the guy ♥.

2009 had been a tremendous year for me, the greatest so far. I have been living for 24 years, but this 2009 is the best, lots of good things happened, i was happy and still happy till this very moment, people around me were happy as well. So yeah, what more can i ask for? kan kan ;)

Lets hope for the best in 2010. i am, indeed.

P/s : I really wish for this good feeling to stay and am crossing my fingers for a better life ahead. family, health, career, money, and of course, love.